2003-11-06 - 12:24 a.m.

I did not do the lab because it triggered me. I did not want to revisit the home ec project that was the clearest starting point of my anorexia.

I always pull through, but not this time. The professor looks concerned, but she says the numbers are against me and signs a withdrawal form. I do not make eye contact with the registrar. The weather is drizzly and I do not know how to feel.

I tell my advisor that I will make my parents think I am pregnant so they will be relieved when they realize what the bad news actually is. She laughs, loudly, genuinely. I go to my next class and a classmate whose name I can never remember brings in white chocolate and coffee. The white chocolate tastes better than anything else possibly could at this moment.

I went to bed at four last night and still could not sleep. I studied until my eyes hurt but I still failed and there was nothing more I could have done.

I don't understand hopelessness. There is supposed to be hope, always, and I am supposed to be invincible. But I am not. I have been undone a week after the withdraw/pass deadline so I have no 3.2 GPA and no more flawless track record. I am flawed. There is too much of me not made for this.

Another battle lost but not the war...

tomorrow's another day, and I'm thirsty anyway, so bring on the rain.

Faery drawing by Brian Froud. Border pattern by Infinite Fish. Designed by Dust.